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| Monday, November 14, 2005 |
| Monday's Expert |
Despite my internal resolution to post daily, I was so caught up in the general Sundayness that no posting occurred.
Yesterday we had an evening barbeque with our Friends-Around-The-Corner. Ata & Mr Ata had attended a party the previous evening (being Saturday evening), where they knew no-one but the host. Well, the hostess. Ata went to school with her. For a year. Many Moons Ago, but we have kept in vague contact - the phenomenon of the twice a year friend is something Ata derives great security from. So. Knowing no-one at this party placed a certain requirement on us to be Sociable. This was not assisted by the fact that Everyone Else seemed to fall into two groups - Family or Workmates - and hence had instant connection with a group. Nevertheless, Ata valiantly threw herself into conversation with a some total strangers and (as you do) discovered a certain level of connectedness with all of them - I lived there too! I think that too! I've worked in that field too! I once met someone who ate at that restaurant where your cousin drove past too! Which brings me back to the Friends-Around-The-Corner.
Whilst engaging total strangers in conversation, Ata discovered something about herself. The basic secret to conversation is that everyone has a Key. Read closely, now, because this is Important. If you find someone's Key, they will talk to you in great detail for a Long Time. Even better if you happen to share an interest in their Key. For children, Keys are very easy. The three magic subjects (as taught to Ata by her Developmental Linguistics lecturer) for children are Pets, Fights, and Accidents. Especially true for the under-fives. When children are a little older, you can add Books and Computer Games. For adults, their Key usually lies somewhere in Work or Family (including Where-Do-You-Come-From, or Family History). Hobbies usually also contain a Key, but it can be harder to grasp (So what do you do? is a more acceptable question to ask of a just-met stranger than So what do you do in your spare time? Although having discussed the first question, there is unspoken permission to discuss the second topic). In the course of meeting the aforementioned total strangers, Ata noted that when she spotted someones Key - she turned the lock. Changed the subject, cut in to demonstrate that she knew all about that topic too, or otherwise shut off the flow of conversation. This is not a trait that leads to involved and interesting discussion and stimulates good feelings on the part of your conversational partner. So. Ata went to the Friends-Around-The-Corner, and revealed to her Friend this disturbing habit. To which the Friend replied "Yes, I have noticed that you do that." There was some short explanation of What-Ata-Does and Why-It-Is-Not-Good.
Now, Ata loves her Friend and values her honesty. But noticing a habit in yourself and discovering that someone else notices too are completely different things. Self-revelation is far sweeter when the revelee has to be convinced of your shortcomings.
Still. Honesty is a great value, and verity is treasured above all. The words were not spoken unkindly, and truth spoken in love should be heard with equal grace. So Ata collected her mild miffedness and accepted her correction, safe in the knowledge that she now has unspoken permission to be Completely Honest with her Friend-Around-The-Corner. |
posted by Ata @ 11:43 am  |
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| 2 Comments: |
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Hey at least you try. I just stand there expecting to be handed a bunch of keys and never offering up my own. Killing conversations is one thing but never starting them... that's worse.
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Probably true enough. Conversing is as much a learned skill as any other, we just somehow expect it to be automatic.
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Hey at least you try. I just stand there expecting to be handed a bunch of keys and never offering up my own. Killing conversations is one thing but never starting them... that's worse.