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| Monday, October 30, 2006 |
| Digging deep |
I am not, I suppose, naturally given to expression of deep feeling. I dislike talking about the things closest to my heart - I like to keep them near and dear and all my own. Even good things I like to hold close and secret to look at in private joy from time to time. Which is, I guess, why I don't often post about God and Faith and Stuff. I have been reading another blog, where the author made a post exploring the nature of her faith, or lack thereof. And I sometimes feel like I am a Terribly Bad Christian for not speaking more about my own faith (or, possibly, lack thereof!). In all honesty, I have very little interest in theological debate - arguing the Nature and Meaning of this verse versus that verse is something I find tiring and minimally valuable. I can't explain Why Bad Things Happen, only that - being someone to whom a number of Bad Things have happened - I have somehow come to accept that they simply do. I can't even tell you, really, why I don't feel that Bad Things Happening is an indication that we are unloved/punished/tested by God. I can't offer any "proof" for anything, I can't tell anyone what they should or should not do, I can't tell anyone what's right or wrong in them/life/the world - so there doesn't seem to be much point in me prattling about it.
All of which, I am sure, is a great relief to many people. But I feel it makes me a very poor representative of my faith. I get upset and depressed and frustrated, so I can't claim that God is the magic solution to the woes of day to day life. I listen to all kinds of music, watch all kinds of shows, wear more or less what I please - so I can't hold myself out as a paragon of purity. I very often feel that I would have no hope, no stability, no strength, no sanity if it were not for the relationship I have with God - but I couldn't explain why. And I often worry that - if I were to try to explain - the preconceptions people have or the barrier thrown up by the different meanings different people give to the same words would make anything I said useless, meaningless, or worse. And somehow, it seems to me to be a poor and faulty faith that can't be stretched out, measured, and applied as needed. I could not seperate myself from God, even if I were to try, and I still accept and embrace the church - flawed and struggling as it is. That central relationship is what gives me the ability to accept myself as I find myself.
To be honest, I have no real desire to be the Shiny Happy Christian. I've had friends like that, and even I find it tiresome. I don't want to quote Psalms at people (why should I, when I find Job more comforting). I don't want to be bound into a shape by laws of sin and death, even though it sometimes seems that must be a much easier way to be. I don't think that any of that is what Christ taught or lived. And so I don't tend to say much about what I believe, because, well, I don't know how to speak it without sounding like something I don't want to be, or feel myself to be. I try to live it, but it seems the older I get the more I see people who hurt, who have been hurt by the church or by other Christians, and I don't know how to repair that. How to even begin to repair that. How to even reconcile the fact that something I find such strength in can, at the same time, be something that causes so much damage, or offers so little for other people. How arrogant would it be for me to say, well, if you just believe - or if you just knew what I know - or if you just prayed more, or read this, or spoke to that person, you would understand. And so everything I feel - experience - think - believe - know stays unspoken.
Hm. I have wandered, I think, more than I intended. The more I consider, the less I am certain of. Now I don't even know how to wrap this post up coherently. Oh well. Y'all have been good to read this much, and you seem to have taken me as you found me thus far. I suppose one meandering post about faith and Ata's failure to be a Good Evangelical Christian won't be too much to cope with. Besides, next week there'll be more cat pictures. There's always that to look forward to. |
posted by Ata @ 10:05 pm  |
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| 3 Comments: |
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We live for the cat pictures. :)
I believe everyone has the right to be who they are, regardless of religion or creed. If your faith is sustaining and strength-giving to you, then what right does anyone have to demand that you rationalise and justify it?
But equally, no one else should be expected to follow your faith just because you receive strength from it. Clearly, Ata is not a Bible-bashing evangelical. I, personally, have great respect for that. Maybe it isn't exactly what modern Christianity demands from its followers, but I have far greater respect for those who hold their beliefs in reverence close to their own hearts and do not demand that others share them. If everyone similarly respected the beliefs of others, I believe there would be far less trouble in the world.
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I heard a sermon online recently that dealt with the idea of "pushy" Christians. The pastor pointed out that Jesus told his disciples not to be pushy-- that if they go into a town and talk about Jesus and the people don't want to hear it that they should "wipe the dust of that town from their feet" and leave, not hang around and press the issue.
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If everyone similarly respected the beliefs of others, I believe there would be far less trouble in the world.
Seems to work well in hobbling land.
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We live for the cat pictures. :)
I believe everyone has the right to be who they are, regardless of religion or creed. If your faith is sustaining and strength-giving to you, then what right does anyone have to demand that you rationalise and justify it?
But equally, no one else should be expected to follow your faith just because you receive strength from it. Clearly, Ata is not a Bible-bashing evangelical. I, personally, have great respect for that. Maybe it isn't exactly what modern Christianity demands from its followers, but I have far greater respect for those who hold their beliefs in reverence close to their own hearts and do not demand that others share them. If everyone similarly respected the beliefs of others, I believe there would be far less trouble in the world.