| Identity is a funny thing. I used to worry about the fact that I didn't fit in, didn't feel like I belonged... even when I moved to a city and a larger school and found a bunch of people that I got along with & had similar interests to, I still didn't feel like I fitted. I felt like I was always on the outer edge, always looking in, never quite a member of the group.
Then it dawned on me.
That's normal.
It seems like an almost universal characteristic for humans to believe they're the only one of their kind - at least for some period of their lives. But at the same time, each of us believes that we're also the only ones who feel that way. Some of us search for others to 'fit' with, some of us try to enhance that uniqueness, some of us try to reshape our identities to fit in better with what we perceive as being right, normal, acceptable, whatever. I'd never really had the energy for working to 'fit' with any particular group - instead I kind of assumed that eventually I'd grow into an adult identity and would somehow begin to blend in. That never really happened. Instead, I've mostly come to accept that I'll probably always feel like this - and that my feeling like I'm not 'one of the gang' is probably something that will work in my favour. It lets me make decisions based on what I think is the best response to a situation, rather than what others seem to want me to do. It lets me build relationships with a wide range of people, not limited to people who also appear to be part of whatever group I also think I belong to. And I think I've managed to develop a concept of my identity that's based on who I am rather than what group I identify with. And I find that the people I connect with the easiest are usually people who also seem to have decided to construct their personal concepts of identity the same way... but I might be wrong about that, because I can only ever work from what I see on the outside, not what's happening on the inside. Even so, I still wish sometimes that I were better at fitting in, particularly in the work environment. I make decisions and do things and then realise - I've marked myself out as not being an obedient member of the pack, and my team mates look at me with an expression that says: we're not sure we can trust you. Stupid things, like at a conference we agree to meet at a specific time & go in to dinner together, but I forget and go early on my own and start chatting to some people from a different department and by the time the others stop knocking on my door & come to dinner themselves, I'm happily settled in to a table swapping noisy stories with four sales reps instead of sitting quietly & politely with the members of my immediate team - like they're all doing. It just seems like pack behaviour that I've really never mastered. I can't see the point. And so I don't get included in the girly chats and the gossip and then I don't feel like I belong. It's an odd thing, that I should have a sense of identity that depends on myself as an independent individual, but still feel like I'm missing out on something by not being one of the crowd. Oh well. I guess you can't have it all, right? |
I remember first meeting you, Ata :) you were tiny with huge, gorgeous eyes and a definite deep knowledge of who you were and what you were about. For other 8 year olds, that's alot to take on *hugs* but I always liked about you that you were true to yourself - always. Never change, you're FABULOUS xx